Catching Up With Confidence

Um, whoops. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I had half a post typed up, just a generic catch-up post about the past several weeks (a lot has happened! I sort of have a job offer! We went to Miami, a PSU football game, and to see Foo Fighters!)… but I felt silly just regaling things that, if you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you already know all about.

So, I’ve been sitting here in Starbucks for the past hour now, waiting for inspiration to strike. And I have to laugh, because this is the exact setting I find myself in whenever I need to free write – it’s like my subconscious knows I needed to get something out, so when I realized I could take my husband to work today and spend some time here, I rocketed out of bed. And now… here I sit. A bunch of crappy drafts of posts that’ll likely never see the light of day, and the smell of burnt breakfast sandwiches overwhelming my overtired body.

Good times!

Nah, but for real. I don’t really have an excuse for why I haven’t written here lately. I’ve been sort of in a weird headspace lately (I guess that is a valid enough excuse, isn’t it?) – week four of unemployment will do that to you, I suppose. I actually considered deleting this blog altogether the other night? I don’t know, man. We’ll call it a funk.

ANYWAY. I’m here at Starbucks and I am writing and you are reading this and that has to be count for something, no? It’s not lost on me how unchanging some parts of my life are. I’ve ordered the same thing at Starbucks almost consistently since they first opened in my area. I’m still blasting the same handful of artists, in the same pair of earbuds I splurged on when I got my first ~real~ job. I still catch myself gazing off into that middle space whenever I need help starting the next sentence here (sorry, strangers that I keep making sort-of eye contact with…). And I’m still so fascinated by how beautiful this city is on truly dreary autumn mornings (oh, it’s afternoon now).

At the same time, there’s so much that has changed that I can hardly keep it all straight. As one of my dearest friends pointed out last night, I’m a married woman??? I own a house with my husband??? I’m two months from 30 and I have kind of… made it, as an adult – we’ll just ignore my current job situation for now. It’s one of those realizations that you don’t acknowledge until you are looking back at it all, and Nicole made me do that last night. I’m such a better person than I was in college, and I can’t even begin to compare present-me to the depressed mess that was my first two years post-grad. I want to go back to the people I was close with then and say, “See? I made it! I am a MUCH COOLER PERSON than the hopeless mess you knew!”

…I guess there’s a good blog post in me today, after all 🙂

I was talking about something similar with my new friend Megh last night (I knew I couldn’t make it through a post here without mentioning her!). We were talking about seeing old classmates, and it’s stuck around in my mind since. I’m not really one to seek out people from my past – the idea of going to a class reunion makes me shudder – but there’s a part of me that would LOVE to run into some people and show them how much better of a person I am now. I spent so much of grade and high school stuck in my own head, and while I know that I wouldn’t be who I am today if things were different… I’m so curious about what I would have been like if I had been a little braver, a little more comfortable with myself.

THEN AGAIN, I am only almost-30. I have (god-willing) plenty of time to take this version of myself that I finally really love and DO SOMETHING WITH HER. And until I can get paid to be a professional fan of U2 and Foo Fighters…. this blog is what I’m going to do. I’m going to get excited about the things I love, I’m going to figure out this work thing, and I am going to love every moment I get to spend with my incredible husband.

AND, I am GOING TO KEEP UP WITH THIS BLOG. I know this post doesn’t have much substance (or maybe it does? I’m sure Kelly will again tell me I wrote something incredible here, and she’ll make me cry in doing so because I miss my best friend something terrible), but I feel so much better having finally written again.

Funny, how much my mood can pick up in just an hour and a half at Starbucks…

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